Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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