Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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