If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
