you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Randomize
