you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
