Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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