I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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