I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
