I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
