break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
