so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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