I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
