I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
