I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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