1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
