I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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