Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize