the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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