we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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