i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
