ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
