It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
