Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
