Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So vagazzling was a success
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
