Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
