Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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