A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
it's like heaven, but drunker
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize