Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
