if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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