Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
