I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
