Can i not drive my cunt home
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
