There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
