just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
