It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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