So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
