you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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