Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
