if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
worst night to have a conscience
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
