yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
