Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
