i think my tv is drunk
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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