how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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