I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Church boner. Awkwardddd
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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