Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
