He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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