I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
