On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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