My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
