i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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