help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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