I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
