I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am one with the molecules
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize