I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
