The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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