I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
