Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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