Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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