I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
