oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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