It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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