I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
