so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
