can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
