girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
