Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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