fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize