So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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